Its Christmas...Time To Laugh!!!!

THE YANKS THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!!!!!

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with
English Coastguard authorities off the Scilly Isles in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Admiralty.

COASTGUARD: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to
avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
north to avoid a collision.

COASTGUARD: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

COASTGUARD: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second
largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are
accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous
support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees
north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or
counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.

COASTGUARD: This is a lighthouse. Your call pse.

Heres Another:A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" protested the man hysterically. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Labrador went right to work, sniffing around all over and prodding the poor dead dog with his paws. After a considerable amount of sniffing and prodding, the labrador sadly shook his head and said "Woof."
The veterinarian then took the labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow". He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian then handed the man a bill for £300.
The dog's owner went mental. "£300! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "Well, if you had taken my word for it that your dog was dead, it would have been just £50, but with the lab work and the cat scan..."

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Three couples: an elderly couple, a middle-aged
couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join
a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements
for new parishioners.

As a purification ritual, you must abstain from
having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of
two weeks.

The pastor first asked the elderly couple, "Were
you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

The pastor replied, "Congratulations! Welcome to
the church!"

The pastor then asked the middle-aged
couple, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex
for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a
couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the
pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and
asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex
for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex
for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"Well my wife was reaching for a can of paint on
the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over
to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took
advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will
not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome
at Asda anymore either".


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An elderly couple were sitting on their couch one
night when the husband said "Darling, you should go
braless".

Excited, the wife says "You think my
breasts are still perky enough to go braless?".

The husband replies "No, but maybe it'll pull the
wrinkles out of your face!".

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3 guys called F*ck, **** and Manners were driving in a car.
F*ck driving, **** is in the passenger seat and
Manners in the back seat.

F*ck was driving fairly fast and he saw the police, so he
slammed on the brakes and **** flew out the front windscreen.

The officer said to F*ck “What is your name?” and he replied “F*ck”.

The officer said “Don’t you have any manners?”

F*ck said “ Yes, he’s over there picking up ****”

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There is a female dwarf who lives under a bridge.

She goes to her Doctor and says “I’ve got an ITCHY
FANNY”.

The Doctor says “Take this cream and keep rubbing
it on your fanny and come back in a week”.

The dwarf goes back a week later & says it is
still sore.

The Doctor says “Come back tomorrow and I will
Operate”.

So she goes back the next day and she lies down
on the operating table and all she hears is
SNIP,SNIP,SNIP,SNIP and she gets off the table
and says to the Doctor “WOW the itching is gone
what did you do??

And the Doctor says “OH I only took a few inches off your wellies”

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This one is a letter from an Irish woman to her
Son!

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still
alive. I am writing this slowly because I know
that you can't read fast. You won't know the
house when you come home; We've moved.

About your father... he has got a lovely new job.
He has 500 men under him, he cuts grass at the
cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it's a boy
or a girl yet, so I don't know whether you're an
aunt or an uncle.

I went to the doctors on thursday, and your
father came with me. The doctor put a small tube
in my mouth, and told me not to speak for ten
minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of
Irish whiskey at the Dublin Brewery. Some of his
workmates tried to save him but he fought them
off bravely. They cremated him, and it took 3days
to put the fire out.

It only rained twice this week, first for three
days, then for four days.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if
the last payment on your grandmother's plot
wasn't paid in 7days, up she comes.

Your loving mother

P.S. I was going to send you five pounds, but I
have already sealed the envelope.

And to think they get to vote

Heres To Anglo French Relations:

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1) The blonde thought :
- "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his
face".
2) The fat lady thought:
-"This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
3) The Frenchman thought:
- "That f***ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
4) The Englishman thought:
- "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".

The train one makes me laugh every time I hear it....

So Mark, are you visiting France soon??

As we are being non PC do you think a few from me might be allowed

Yex

RATFLMAO

An Englishman, German and frenchman were taken prisoner during the Gulf war and were told that they would each receive 20 lashes to the back. They also said that the prisoners would all be allowed to cover their back with something to soften the blow a little.

The Frenchman said cover my back with a towel. The Frenchmans back was covered with a towel and he was then lashed 20 times. His back was very sore and a bit bloody but wasn't too bad.

The German said cover my back with a mattress. The German suffered no injuries or pain what so ever and felt pretty pleased with himself.

The Englishman said "cover my back with the German"

Scooby1 - very good

A bloke walked into a pet shop and was looking around when he saw a parrot gesturing to him to come closer to its cage. The Parrot said, "buy me please mate, I've been in this bloody shop for three years now and I'm getting really bored." The bloke was impressed by the parrots ability to speak but said that he wasn't really looking for a parrot. the parrot then said, "please mate. I'm really good company and I know loads of jokes and will keep you all entertained. They only want 10 quid for me aswell because I haven't got any legs." "How the hell do you stay on your perch if you haven't got any legs" inquired the customer. "I wrap my penis around the perch and can stay balanced" replied the parrot.

The customer decide to buy the parrot and took him home. Everything went really well with the parrot. He was the life and soul at parties and kept the kids entertained and even helped them with their homework, but one day after the owner came home from work the parrot gestured him to come closer to the cage. "I'm terribly soory to have to tell you this" said the parrot, "but your neighbour came in today and took advantage of your wife" "what do you mean, what happened?" said the owner." "well" said the parrot, "he came inside walked over to your wife and started fondling her left breast. Then he slid his hand really slowly up her sweater and started to play with her left nipple. Then he slipped his hand up her skirt and started to play with her." "christ" said the owner "what happened then?" "well, he lifted up her skirt and started to pull her knickers down" said the parrot. "then what" screamed the owner.

"I didn't see any more" said the parrot, "I got a hard-on"

LOL

Pervert - "Do you want a piece of choclate?"

Little girl - "only if you show me your dick"