Capacious Nadgers

Hi

Very long post, sorry!

Before i start, please dont let this turn into a debarcle of ridicule. I'm feeling a little fragile at the moment

A few weeks ago i started to get a bit of an itchy ring. "Nothing wrong in that" i hear you say "Itchy bum, money to come" i think is the saying Anyway, i, like you probably would, didn't give it a second thought until a week or so ago when i went to take a dump and found it to be a "painfull" experience. Once again, "thats okay" i here you say, " you've probably got constipation, it'll be alright". Again i thought, okay try a little All Bran, eat sensibly and it'll clear up

No fookin chance the pain i was getting from my rusty bullet was enormous and by the end of that same day i felt a huge grape bulging from my ring I got home and thought WTF is this, is it half my insides coming out! I took a mirror and tried to see the damage and there before my very eyes was a huge red grape dangling from my rectum I'm not talkin about a little red seedless grape neither. This ****** is the size of a full blooded champagne grape, grown by Monsieur Le Grape, owner of the largest grape farm in europe

So the next morning i decided to purchase the well recommended product that is "Germoloids", on reading the directions it tells me to insert a 3" conical shaped tube up my down pipe and squirt some white cream into the turd chamber (at this point i'd like to make it clear that i appreciate that some ladies on here deny this "right of passage" to their partners and i can sympathise with you implicitly ) Anyway now back to the cream. I inserted the creamy substance but this didn't seem to do much so then i gently caressed the affected area with said cream and i must admit that it did ease the pain a little.

However much i used it though, the grape stayed there pulsating away sending shooting pains up my riggot. So last week i went to the Doctors and explained the problem to the female Doctor and of course with that all knowing look she nodded and said take these 3 times a day. Result i thought just get this course of whatever and my ring will once gain look like a sheriffs badge instead of a side profile of elephant mans head

I scurried home after being given the medication by my chemist (20 year old blonde chick) and fumbled eagerly at the directions. **** I've got to put these torpedo things WHERE! My heart sank at thought of violating my down pipe once more I sulked off to the bathroom to see if i could "take" one these monsters and surprisingly the wax "Kato" snuggly slipped in then out then in again. Finally it seated itself and to be honest since then i've become quite adept at it

So now three days in and has it changed, has it **** I have constantly inflicted pain onto myself, for what, absolutley nothing.

Which now brings me to SN a disguised username and a very humbled person who has visions of a few days ahead when he has to go and hear the words from this Doctor "Just slip your trousers down, bend over and present your mangled up @rsehole in front of my face please" type request.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE does anyone have any advice. I've been made to suffer by this rogue vineyard that is my **** enough, i just cant be de-viled and made to feel a complete dick in front of this Doctor. I'm sure someone must have gone through this and got an answer any help would be appreciated

Tidgy

get a second opinion, how the hell she can tell what it is without haviong a look or the usual doctor prod i have no idea.

PG

I dont read the whole post ! Doh !

Kevin Groat

Can't help but I suspect this thread is heading for the SNET hall of fame.....

boxst

Hello

Go to the chemist and buy anusol or it's equivalent. That will relieve the pain. Also sit in a warm bath. The pain goes away eventually.

Unfortunately the hemorhoid may not go away, even though the pain has gone. You may be left with something that dangles from your bottom. If it irratates you, you can have it removed but doctors do not normally bother unless it is causing pain.

Good luck!

Steve.

mart360

welcome to the wonderfull world of

piles.....

yes it feckin hurts.... basically the grape you see is a blood vesel that should be inside..

if it dont clear up with the pessaries.....


its a hospital cauterising job


M

boxst

Hello

That's not the normal method. They usually place a tight elastic band around it, removing the blood supply and it eventually dies and drops off. In a very similiar way to the way they dock dogs tails.

Steve.

Jamo

iTrader: (23)

my dad had a case of the farmer giles last year, he used the bullets as well, it worked apparantly.

is that you pslewis?

jamo

PG

"is that you pslewis?"

Everyone was thinking it .....you said it. Fair play.

stevem2k

you need one of these .....



and one of these .....

Craig W

I cant offer any help but PMSL you're funny

Jamo

iTrader: (23)

Please dont think im taking the **** cus im not!!

jamo

warrenm2

does poking it back up the **** pipe help? ROFL cant believe I just said that!

Capacious Nadgers

Thanks guys some good advice but just a few questions.

This hot bath thing scares me a bit. I always have a shower and i've not puposefully had a hot bath because the way i see it is that the nugget is under so much pressure it feels like its going to pop Surely if i heat it up, the blood will expand and explode in the bath, probably giving me a heart attack can someone back that up, that its okay to have a bath

Jamo, no offence taken, doesnt Pete wear a bag anyway?

boxst, OMG its not a lambs tale, they dont do this do they? Anusol? is this a cream? is it better than germaloids? dont tell me they're torpedoes please

Sticky Stuff

Come clean, you're a VIZ staff writer researching the next Nobby Stiles strip...

Muffleman

I'm sorry I can't help give advice, and I genuinely hope your problem is sorted soon, but........

that was one hilarious description of events

All the best


Matt

Harry_Boy

FPMSL!!

Sorry, but this thread is nearly as funny as the infamous Norman D Landing one....

Alas

Can you not just snip it off with a pair of scissors
Alas

Capacious Nadgers

LOL i'm glad you find it funny, honestly i do. Sadly when its you its happening to you dont really feel like laughing It feels like you have No.53's Iron gaurd railing shoved up your ****

Can anyone advise on the bath situation. I'm off to bed now so i'd really like to know as i dont think my missus could stand another night of me sitting up at 4am slowly caressing my grape whilst groaning inanely

Cheers

ozzy

Add a little spice into your sex life and ask her to caress it

ALi-B

iTrader: (1)

This may make you working day a little more confortable:




I shouldn't laugh at ones missfortune, but I'm a sucker for toilet humour

pslewis

Thats NOT funny!

Pete

Sticky Stuff

I had an accountant friend with the same problem...
































...He worked it out with a pencil

Scooby-Doo

Have to admit it I too have met Farmer Giles a few times and I know exactly how you feel. They will usually last a week before they start to soften and then dangle for a while before returning to the chocolate starfish.

Top tips for you :

Use Anusol HC and the bullets for a few days.
As hot a bath as possible or a hot flannel really does help.
Once it softens a bit try sending him home to what feels natural helps (Especially before bed and don't move in case he pops out to say hello again)
Muscle excercise does help. Not **** toning but the ones that get Mr Turtle back in when "now is not the time" moments happen.
Once you are afflicated they will return and when I went to see a Doc I was told "Is that it" and "go away" (I dread to think what some people must have)
Minimise walking and standing in the first few days

To try and avoid these gremlins in the future.

After a number 2 make sure your innards are not out and if they are get send them home.
Avoid at all costs any excercise for about an hour after your motion and if possible sit down for a while afterwards. This was the killer for me as playing sport within the hour caused a small prolapse and set Farmer Giles off.
Don't strain wait for gravity.
Spicy food can set them off but luckily not on me.

Touch wood I havent had any for a while now but it is far you common than people let on. After spending 2 weeks nursing your back door you will actually miss it for a few days.

Good Luck and now I'm off to change my user name.

fast bloke

cant be pete - unless he copied and pasted it

ajm

LOL! This has cheered me up this morning, thanks!

jasey

Get someone to hit your **** with a cricket bat.

Sure it will be painful but the pain should only last for about 2 hours.



** disclaimer: This is not serious advice - any **** hurt if advice taken seriously is not the fault of jasey, scoobynet or anyone else associated with this site **

Scoobychick

iTrader: (1)

My mum had her farmer's removed by the above mentioned elastic band method

They're very common apparently, especially in women after childbirth, not me though, never had kids

Anyway, you have my sympathy, I remember what my mum went through with hers and the suffering we went through as a result

Tom200

Haemorrhoids are very rarely painful unless they are thrombosed - this is when a clot forms within them, and they turn purple and nasty.

Elastic band ligation is one treatment used to remove non-thrombosed haemorrhoids that are causing a problem by bleeding and popping out now and again.

If your haemorrhoid is permanantly out, a virulent shade of purple, and painful, then it sounds like it is thrombosed. They usually regress with a couple of weeks, at which point you should consider seeing a surgeon to get it removed, before it happens again. If it doesn't settle on its own, and is too painful to bear, then go to A&E. They should have you admitted under the General Surgeons, who will treat you symptomatically with ice packs and analgesia, and then excise it for you, once it has settled a bit.

HTH

Buzzer

AFPMSL @ this thread

If its any help, dont go to the hospital, they'll only bugger you up

My father in law had a severe case of Johnny Giles and ended up in hospital for a few days whilst they removed them He said he had to lie down on a bed with his feet in birthing stirrups whilst this bloke came in




He said he came in and raised the scalpel (like the pic above) and shouted "ON GAURD". Needless to say he nearly passed out until the nurse told him it was surgeon humour lol

They knocked him out but when he woke up he said he was sure that this surgeon had hacked away at his @rsehole lol

He said they wouldn't let him home until his movememnts were back to normal. Every time he said he went for a number two it felt like trying to pass a broken milk bottle

Good luck anyway, you've brightened my day!